Redemption. - Receiving and Giving.

Today was kind of a wake up call for me.
To tell me that i've been too lazy, selfish and all.
That I hadn't been caring much for the people i appreciate and want to thank.
That my existence is actually important and appreciated by people.
That it's thankful.

I was out at lunch with my parents, and we were talking.
Auntie Jesse dropped by and sat down with us for a cup of tea.
Our conversation flowed until it stopped at the topic of my tuition teacher.
How her daughter had wished him Selamat Hari Raya after being reminded to do so.
But reminder aside, it shook me.
The surprise of it all.
The surprise that i didn't even bother to greet anyone Selamat Hari Raya or anything. 
I didn't bother to greet him, the teacher that has helped me ace
my amaths, emaths all throughout the 4 years that i was in 
secondary school. 
I felt so guilty, i felt so bad inside. 
I kept quiet because i was ashamed, ashamed that 
i'd been living in my own world all this time.
Of course tv shows play a part in attracting me to return to it.
Where i get out of reality - where i just selectively give attention to the things
that's in my focus at the moment.

After that, i still decided to watch my show at home.
The pain of it all, the shock did lessen after that.
I know i can tune out negative stuff when i'm distracted.
But i know i couldn't keep doing it.
Couldn't keep getting addicted in these shows, couldn't keep living in my personal world.
I needed to get out, so i forced myself to go out after watching finish.
I forced myself to go to the chalet.

 And honestly, i'm thankful i went there.
OF course i didn't expect that i'd arrive later than i'd intended to because
the bus ride was so long.
The place creeped me out that's for sure.
Anyways, when i went there, it felt like an open invitation.
It was either you join or you don't join, your choice.
They were happy to see me, and i was surprised i guess?
I guess i'm still a lil unfamiliar with this kinda affection from friends.
Or more like, because my guard's so strongly held up that I just couldn't respond back,
because maybe either i don't feel it or what, i don't know.

I didn't wanna play games, i don't know why.
Maybe i'm just the lazy type who don't do games.
I just felt like sitting back and watching them have fun while i smile.
I don't know why i feel this way.
Maybe i should try harder to enjoy playing games next time..
Anyways I had fun actually, i laughed and everything.
I just love to hear them crack jokes and laugh at it, not be the one doing it or 
be the attention.


If there's one thing proud i am of today, it would be this.
Blogging after i watch finish my show.
I admit i didn't load the next episode, but i'm happy i told myself to stop.
It's not just about some addiction i have to the things i do or anything.
It's also involving my long stay in my cuddled, secured head where no one can get in.
It also means no one can get out, like me.

I'm not sure why i'm blogging this either.
I guess it's cuz it's too long to tell my best friend that's why i'm blogging.
Even if everyone can see this.
I'm not drunk.
While everyone else in the chalet is either drunk or taking care of the drunk, i'm here
typing like i'm a sad drunk.
But i'm not drunk, i'm sober. I'm awake.

Ugh. I guess this is what holidays do to me.
Because i'm so bored i watch shows and shit.
Definitely one of the reasons why i don't play games (cyber) anymore
or why i DON'T wanna watch One Piece.
Because i know i'll get addicted and i won't stop.
I have no self-control in that field.
That's also probably why i down alcohol only once in a while.
But that i know i have control over because i know it's wrong,
wrong to keep from my parents,
wrong because it's bad,
and wrong because i know it threatens my life.
Yeah it does take you away from reality fast too, makes you feel at least a bit better 
after that when you feel the soreness and stuff.
And the best of it all, it makes you feel bold.
Something i don't have i guess?

Aye i don't know how to explain all these emotions i'm feeling.
Just a day ago, i searched for tweets to do with march 2 pisces. 

"March 2 #Pisces: Bipolar personality. Destructive love life. Intense. Many love relationships. Fears intimacy."

Hoh i will definitely agree with the bipolar personality LOL 
but of course that problem is solved because i know how to handle it now.
But the sentences after that shocked me.
Destructive love life. Many love relationships. Fears intimacy.
I don't know man, as much as i know i shouldn't believe it because it doesn't always
have to apply to every march 2 person, the realisation of it all
stunned me.

Relationships, i definitely don't know about that.
What comes will come.
The major shocker was that the last sentence was right.
I thought about it, and maybe i do fear intimacy.
Fearing intimacy with a guy is one thing, but i realised it has also applied to girls as well.
When they hug me and stuff, i'm not used to it.
And i haven't actually gave any hugs to anyone, a real hug from me myself and i.
I keep receiving hugs, i don't return them.
And i believe it's right about boys too.
Because that's probably what i felt with my ex.
And when i'm really close to guys or when they give me hugs as well or
put a hand on my shoulder.
'Course i know that means they really trust me, and feel absolutely comfortable to be with me
as a friend or a best friend, buddy and all.
But i don't know.
I think i'm not used to it.

Ah this sucks, typing all these at 2 am,
trying to explain to myself that i type shit at 2 am but 
in actual fact i'd been wanting to blog since i left the chalet and
when i was thinking on the way home.

But yet again,
addiction strikes and i put it off until now.

Sigh in the end,
i still don't know what's my problem.
Maybe i actually have no problem and it's actually me over thinking.

Who knows man?
Cuz i don't know either. 

I will be fine though.
Yes i will. ;))