Letter To Someone From The Past.

This was supposed to my storytelling assignment but I wrote about someone else (Wei Sin) because I chickened out. 

So now I'm trying to face my dark past and dig out everything I've suppressed for a long time.

Dear Martin,

I think you'd be surprised that I'll be writing a letter to you, since you've always been the one sending me all those texts and letters. I still remember that when we broke up, I gave you really vague answers to my explanation. 

The thing is, this whole relationship was a mistake. In my point of view that is. Sure, it started off when we met each other, and at that time I liked xxxx. You hated him so we had a common enemy because I was feeling hurt since he was always flirting around. He was my crush and I became so desperate. You fell for me after a really short while of texting. I think that was the first major mistake you made. We'd pass by each other and then we'd make funny expressions mocking my crush. I felt you were really funny, and my heart wavered a bit. At that time, I still liked xxxx though. However, immature me was too desperate to fall in love and thus I accepted you when you asked me to be your girlfriend during the Sports Carnival. Honestly, I knew this was coming. I told you that we'd try it out like a trial but I guess it turned out more than that. I couldn't reject you, because I didn't know how to say no to others. And you'd have done something stupid if I'd rejected you.

So we became a couple. The first time we held hands was the happiest, most precious moment. I was happy for a while, happy, but we did quarrel for whatever unknown reasons. You'd always start the quarrel and I'd end up following. I didn't know what you were angry about it's like you just took your anger out on me. When we went to settle our problems outside the NCC room, you apologised to me. I forgave you definitely, and that's when you planted the kiss on me. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready for it. But again, I couldn't say no. So I went along with it. I didn't like it, to be exact. Yet I liked it since it was my first kiss. Up till now, I still can't accept the fact that my first kiss was taken away without my control. We grew closer together. We had quarrels. I loved the one time when you actually stayed awake when I was studying for my science test and gave me so much motivation, because all the other times you were always sleeping so early. Your immune system sucked; one thing I'd hate the most. I hate when my man's weak. We had different sleeping patterns so I felt a bit upset when you'd always have to sleep first because truthfully I always wanted you to accompany me while I do my shit. But I didn't express myself because I felt that'd have been selfish of me. And I had the company of my beautiful friends.

Then one of the most significant (negatively) moment came when you asked to meet me halfway during my one-day CLBTC (Cadet Leader Basic Training Camp). It was when I was having my lunch break. We talked for a while, and then after that you kissed me. I just didn't like it when it was so sudden. I just wanted to talk. That was when it happened. You touched my upper private area, and I felt really shocked. I tried to put my hands on top of yours to signal you to stop touching but you didn't get the hint. I felt so violated. I felt so uncomfortable. The impact of me didn't affect me fully until after the breakup. You can kinda say it was delayed? We kissed for a while and then I had to leave. When I returned to my squad mates, I was still thinking about what happened. I didn't like what happened one bit. Not a single bit. I was so afraid somebody would pass by and spot us. I was so frightened; I didn't want anybody to be reporting us.

Another time was when you asked me to go to your classroom again (yes the scene during the CLBTC was outside his classroom), and we made out inside the damned classroom. Made out as in kiss. I was having my squad meeting then, and I just didn't like it. Somehow deep inside of me I knew that I was beginning to get sick of you, sick of what you always wanted. It's like you were trying to fulfil some sort of horny pleasure in you. We'd talk for a very short time and then you'd just kiss me so suddenly without my control, consent. That time, there was somebody that walked past the classroom. I didn't know who, and I don't wanna find out who. Thank god we were at the entrance corner of the room so it was more secluded. I hated it, I realised that all you wanted was to make out. You even put a finger in my mouth. I bit it because I don't wanna be sucking on it because I knew that that was like giving a damned blow job. So I felt really uncomfortable when I returned to my friends.

You were pretty sensitive as well, because my friends teased you by saying that they won't let me go to you. You got kinda angry and told me about it. I was exasperated, because I felt that it was kinda immature of you. Not bragging but I always felt that I was much more mature than you. You had family problems, what with your mum and all, and your brother not acknowledging you because you went to the Normal Acad stream. You tried really hard, I really saw effort in that. You were so screwed up that you actually cut yourself when something happened at home. It was a very minor situation, although I can understand how years of shit treatment could've affected you. 56 cuts at the most, I counted it. They were very small cuts, but there were some cuts that were slightly deeper. Both arms. You knew how much I despised when people cut themselves. I spent years trying to stop my 'daughters' from cutting themselves because I feel it's completely stupid to hurt yourself just because you're hurt emotionally. Why scar your outer beauty when it's the inside that hurts? You knew that, and you still did the opposite. I grew even more distant after that, but I still supported you. 

I can't remember all the details, but I know we quarrelled again or something. I think this was the final straw because I realised I couldn't hide it anymore. I couldn't lie to myself, lie to myself that I'm still in love with you, lie to myself that I was happy, lie to myself that I was comfortable with you. It felt like I was your counsellor, your best girl - friend instead. I was definitely happy in the relationship for only certain occasions but it was limited. 

I didn't tell you but the whole time in the relationship, even before that, I was always in contact with Jon, my best friend. I'd always tell all my troubles to him, all my troubles about you, all my personal troubles. 

At that night, I told him that I had a feeling that we were going to break up soon. 

The very next day, when we had the quarrel, I did it. 

And the pain that came was so bad. Texting a long message while I was crying, the burden of trying to hide my tears from my parents, just the pain of breaking up, the pain of making you hurt, everything together. One whole night I spent broken up and shit. Even my mum could tell but she didn't ask why. I knew she knew when she gave me two goodnight kisses instead of one. The next day, I was still feeling like shit. However, I had all my friends to support me. I was very sad, sad to break up with you, but at the same time, I knew this was the right choice. I couldn't keep escaping from reality forever. Of course, it only took me a day to feel shit. By the next day, I was feeling better. You were avoiding me for some reason but I knew you wanted to patch back, from all the rumours. I refused. I knew if I got back together with you, shit will happen. And I knew that I wasn't in love with you because the night I told Jon that I had the feeling we were going to break up, I also realised that he had been by my side. That's when I noticed my feelings for him too. 

So we broke up, you tried several times to talk to me but I explained once and for all and you accepted it. You accepted the break up, and my explanation that you'd still be alright without me. More drama occurred after that because you couldn't get over me. I didn't forget this, but I got over the break up and the relationship. I felt so free, but I felt burdened by your never-ending attempts to get my attention. You cursed on my wall, called me a bitch and all which I suspect is influenced by your friend xxxxxxx. You approached me while I was watching Jievanda and Wei Sin teach the precision drill squad. You gave me a long text saying you were over me but that's just bullshit.

I thought you were over, I was half relieved and half upset because I secretly wanted you to think of me always but at the same time I wanted you to get off my back. 

It was the sec 3 EOY examinations when shit struck. Apparently, you accidentally slip and fell in the toilet and hit your head pretty hard and got sent to the hospital. Your sister smsed me if I'm not wrong, and then thanks to you, I just couldn't concentrate on my biology test. It was an important test to me because I loved bio and it was a subject I could do well. Jievanda had to support me by taking over my burden and putting it on her shoulders instead. She became the messenger between you and me. I heard from her that you had lost your memory temporarily. You only knew what happened before we met. Then you started to recall, but you could only recall the moments we were together. As if you blanked out the part we broke up. You spent maybe a day or a few hours at the hospital I'm not sure. I couldn't even focus on the examination because I was worried for you AND I knew that sounded like bullshit but my heart took over as an ex. When you came back you started talking to Jv and then you told her that you found me cute and familiar. ( I forgot I think you said you happened to see a picture or me in school). Guess what? I scored a B or C in that science examination. 

So I think we talked after that, and you sounded so innocent. Till now, I still don't know if this whole fiasco was fiction or fact. 

It continued. You said you went crazy because the doctor tried to revive your memory back. Everything came back to you and overwhelmed you so you went insane. You said that your dad decided to send you to your uncle in Alaska (can you fucking believe it) for some treatment and therapy to cure you. I was like what the fuck is this shit Alaska?! I thought this only occurred in dramas, what with the memory loss and all but going to Alaska is like complete bullshit. But as naive as I am, I still don't know if they were true or false. Apparently you travelled there, and I felt like hey, maybe I can talk to you now. I felt very easy talking to you when you were overseas, continents away from me. I thought we could be friends again, because that's what I told you what I wanted us to be when I broke up with you. You prevented all of that with your whatever problems.

Then you came back after a month. I quickly drew back like a snake because I became so wary of you. I started to talk to you coldly, ignore your texts and you'd ask me why. You even wanted to meet me so you could explain. I can remember when you approached me while I was at the school's bookshop working. I completely brushed you away and you left. The thing is, when you came back, or rather when you were going to come back, I felt the trauma again. The same images of you touching me, touching my breasts, kissing me and all, it all conquered the surface of my mind. I felt so disgusted, I felt so traumatised.

Only a long while later did I realise that I actually had a fear of intimacy. It was either caused by you, or it was already there. I'm pretty conservative, and up till now I still feel uncomfortable when people hug me or something but I'm learning to accept that. I realised that when I'm going to have a future relationship I know that I'll still have this fear of intimacy. But I'll have to conquer it. 

We stopped talking after that, and then somehow we talked again in sec 4. You had a new girl you like, so I remained as a friend. But you were still psycho as always and had your friend and family problems.

In sec 4, during the Uniformed Group March camp, I heard that you went to the NCC room and you blacked out. xxxx saw you sprawled on the ground, but not before he received that numbered text from you which you couldn't recall. You were having fits when they brought you across the parade square on the stretcher. Again, I feel for people very emotionally. I felt so worried for you, that I think I talked to Wenjing about it, and called your sister. You were sent to the hospital goddamit, at 10 pm at night , second day of camp after the campfire. Later we found out that maybe you were possessed or something, because during that camp there were many incidents after the campfire, and the campfire acts as a symbol of protection (from what I put together after the camp). 

You recovered, then suddenly again one day after Speech Day I think. This was in April, You were texting me and you said that you felt very giddy suddenly. As if there was some huge weight on your head. Turns out your brother found you lying under your block later on after that. xxxx called me to ask me what had happened to you because he saw you go but he didn't follow. And heck your brother called me but I thought it was you. I honestly think it's still you who called me to tell me you were okay or something. It was so creepy. 

We still talked after that incident, and then I'm not sure but we talked lesser and lesser as you focused your attention on Wen Jing.

I was having my own problems so like thank god. Later on, during RedCamp8, I heard from Atiqah that you wanted to confess to me again but I knew this time I'd still reject you because I'm over you.

Recently, you texted me again because you were having family problems. I really suspected you when you suddenly texted me cuz I was so scared shit would happen. And I just had this automatic hostility towards you. I can't control it, after all that's happened.

So what I want to tell you is just, I am so sorry that I neglected you and hid my thoughts from you. I may have loved you at some point in the relationship, but all in all I didn't really like you. I was desperate for a relationship, desperate to be loved by someone. Yes I do regret this, and I was afraid of what people would think of me so I only told the truth to my close friends later on much further after the break up when I was more comfortable talking about it. I knew that people would hate me if they knew what I was going through. I actually felt relieved when I found out my daughter, Yue Rong, had been feeling the same way in her own relationship. At the same time, I didn't want her to be going through the same shit internal conflict that I've gone through. 

I lied to you in a way. I was cold to you in the relationship, had a fear of contact and I never really told you much of my problems. I guess I still hadn't really trusted you enough. I trusted Jon more than I actually trusted you. 

You had your own problems, and I didn't wanna put anymore burden on you. The worst thing that I actually did to you was just being in this fake, one-sided relationship that screwed you up inside out upside down. 

However I must say that, I really did like you at one moment of time. I REALLY DID. That's when we were the happiest. I really did.

Although I'm over it, I honestly don't regret the shit that we've experienced because if not for you, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I've learnt so much, SO MUCH from this relationship and experience that nobody can describe; it was a life-changing event for me. It made me mature so much and stop being a desperate bitch for romance in her life. Even now when I'm feeling a bit lonely and that leads to my small desperation, I'd suppress it and say the time will come soon. All that is thanks to you, because you've made me realise that love isn't everything. It's okay to be single, it's okay to be independent. I also realised my big fear of intimacy from this relationship and till now I'm still trying to overcome this. I want to be able to get closer intimately, form closer bonds with my friends and all. 

I hope that you're better now. Even though you still have your shit problems, and I don't know if you had any friends in school, I still hope you can find your own circle of friends that will accept you because you've been screwed over by your friends in secondary school. I hope that you'll be able to overcome NS and come back as a healthy man. I hope that you'd grow up and mature into a wise man. I hope that you'll be able to find a girl that will appreciate you. I hope that we'll just talk once in a while instead of talking so often because that will remind me of the trauma. (even though it's not so bad anymore)

Lastly, I hope that you'll forgive me for this even though you might not know why.

Regards,

Your ex-girlfriend Mariam

Couldn't exactly find a picture of you and me lolol.

From now on, I declare this matter closed.

I hope this can be my closure after these past 2, nearing to 3 years.